


2 Months Without Him

by J_A_Kittrell



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 17:19:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4754675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_A_Kittrell/pseuds/J_A_Kittrell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heartache.. the last time he had truly been heartbroken was when his mother had died. It had been unbearable, and he had since blocked that pain from his mind. The sadness was still there- it always would be, but the tears and screams had been forgotten. Now every bad memory and feeling was resurfacing, and he was reminded of what it was like to lose everything at once. He felt numb as he stood up from the table and moved to leave. “Thank you, Shintarou. I have much to think about.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	2 Months Without Him

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this at the request of ReizJaruu13. I'm not really sure if you wanted angst and fluff, but I wanted to try angst. Hopefully this isn't too far from what you were imaging? It was also my first time writing Kise and Midorima. I will continue to work on improving this and writing different characters in different settings, and not just fluffy stuff. Please let me know if you have suggestions on how to improve!  
> I hope it doesn't get too muddled or ooc- it turns out it hit a little too close to home lol
> 
> I'm sorry for missing last week, and I am working on getting my work out of the way and getting back on schedule. Thank you for bearing with me! @^@

"It's over, Sei"

"....What do you mean?" 

"I'm sorry. I love you but I can't do this to myself anymore."

"I don't understand."

"That's why I can't stay. Goodbye."

And then he was gone. One minute he was sitting on the couch, and the next he had taken his belongings and left, turning away with teary eyed and shoulders hunched. He gave Seijuurou a fleeting glance as he left, and he felt something terrible grow inside of him. It hurt. Nearly two months ago Kouki left him, and nearly two months ago Seijuurou was left hollow. 

It started off with an ache in his chest. The first night alone, he didn’t sleep. Every time he tried to lay down, he had to leave the bedroom. It felt wrong to see nothing on the other side of the bed. He no longer remembered how to sleep without someone to hold or to hold him at night. Chills went down his spine and he found himself drinking tea at the table instead. There was a pressure in his body building, and nothing could keep it at bay. Texts and phone calls to Kouki were ignored, and each time brought another stab of pain in his heart. It didn’t make sense. How could Kouki leave, and why did thinking about it make it hard to breathe? By morning the pain had extended by tying his stomach into knots, and he was starting to lose his mind. Everything hurt, and nothing made sense. 

A week later he skipped work for the first time in his life. Instead, he went to the hospital to see if Shintarou could solve what was eating him from the inside out. He sat in the room held released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when he was a mop of green enter the room.

“Hello Akashi. What a surprise to see you to today. Is there something wrong?”

“Shintarou. Unfortunately I have been having problems as of late. I trust your expertise and value your discretion.” Seijuurou nodded to his friend and moved to sit on the examination table.

Shintarou looked up from his clipboard and frowned. “What symptoms are you having?”

“It feels like there is a large weight on my chest, and there are stabs of pain when I breathe. I haven’t been able to sleep, and when I do I wake up to chills. My stomach feels like it is knots constantly; I’ve been able to eat much this past week. I have been exhausted constantly. Working has been all but impossible. I hate to come here, but I have no other option.”

His friend stood next to him and asked him a few questions as he examined him. “And when did these symptoms start? The cause of your symptoms can give us the answer.”

Seijuurou thought back and felt the sharp pain in his heart return. “It was last Monday. I spent the night awake and my symptoms have been getting worse ever since.”

“What happened that day? I understand that you’re a private person, but I need to know so I can help you.”

“...Kouki left me.”

Shintarou put his instruments down and looked at him. “I'm sorry. Did he say why?”

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “He told me that he couldn’t do it anymore because I didn’t understand why he was leaving. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”

His friend stood to face him. “Akashi, this is not a physical illness. What you are experiencing is heartbreak. This is to be expected after you lose someone close to you. Unfortunately I’m unable to give you anything but advice, but I do hope you take it. I would suggest you eat and sleep regularly when possible, and focus on other aspects of your life. Spend time with friends and give yourself a chance to heal. It won’t happen overnight.”

Heartache.. the last time he had truly been heartbroken was when his mother had died. It had been unbearable, and he had since blocked that pain from his mind. The sadness was still there- it always would be, but the tears and screams had been forgotten. Now every bad memory and feeling was resurfacing, and he was reminded of what it was like to lose everything at once. He felt numb as he stood up from the table and moved to leave. “Thank you, Shintarou. I have much to think about.”

Shintarou walked him out and slowed to a stop as the reached the exit. “Uh..you can message me if you would like someone to talk to. Not that you would need to. Bye." And with that he shoved up his glasses and rushed back into the safety of the hospital. Shintarou really was strange sometimes, even if he did care.

Seijuurou bought noodles and made his way back to his apartment. He put down the noodles on the table and walked into the bedroom.. Once inside, he broke down and let himself admit that his world had fallen apart once again. It was something he refused to let others see, and could only allow himself to do so once he was in the safety of his bedroom. He shook and cried until sleep overtook his exhaustion, and left him to dream of a time when he had Kouki by his side.

A month later he was finally ready to start to open up to others. It had taken a while for him to be able to accept that it wasn’t just a nightmare, that Kouki really wasn’t coming back. Shintarou told Takao of his situation, and news spread quickly- he always was a gossip. Soon he received messages about his lucky item for the day, and requests to meet over weekends. He answered the texts as politely as he could. However, he refused to meet with anyone until Ryouta threatened to visit every day until he responded. He replied quickly after that, and set a date for a lunch on Saturday. He silently sighed in relief when he arrived and saw that Ryouta had come alone. He had finally gone somewhere besides his apartment and work, but in no way was he ready for an intervention with all of his old teammates. He was still unable to respond to Tetsuya's text messages. Just knowing that he was still in regular contact with Kouki left a knife in his chest. Ryouta could be a lot to handle, but he would take anyone over Tetsuya at the moment.

He sat down and quietly greeted Ryouta. In return he was given a pitying smile he had been dreading. 

"Akashicchi are you ok? You don't look so great." He knew that it was out of concern, but his temper still boiled beneath the surface. He and Kasamatsu hadn’t left each other’s side since high school, despite their constant bickering. There was no way he understood what he was going through.

"I'll be fine, Ryouta. What was it you called me here for?"

"Yes, Kurokocchi said that if you have someone to help you, then there is still time to win back Furihatacchi! So we are going to eat (because you look like you're dying, seriously have you had anything this week? At all??) and then we are going to get your man back!"

Seijuurou sighed and placed an order, unable to work up the energy to deal with the blond’s blind optimism at the moment. His head hurt, and he could no longer tell if his symptoms were actually physical or psychological. 

“Akashicchi! Don’t be like this! Where is the headstrong and super smart captain I followed all those years ago? I know that breakups hurt, but you can’t give up just because someone told you no. When have you ever accepted no as the final answer? You have always found a way to get what you think is important, and Furihatacchi is important to you, right?”

He was pulled out of his misery when he heard his friend shouting from across the table. His eyes were burning with zeal, and his hands gripped the table. Ryouta may not understand him, but he did understand determination and passion. “Yes. I would do anything to get Kouki back. Thank you Ryouta.” He was right. Kouki had always been there for him, and it made him feel invincible. He needed to get back to himself and strategize to get him back. No one else would do.

Ryouta smiled and cheered, immediately explaining what Kuroko had been willing to share at the moment. “Kurokocchi won’t tell me what the answer is because he said ‘Akashicchi needs to learn himself or he will make the same mistakes or something, but he said that Furihatacchi is very sad and cries a lot. He says he needs to be with someone who treats him like an equal. So! I think the first thing we need to do is figure out why he didn’t feel like he was an equal, and what you can do to fix it.”

The food arrived and Seijuurou thought while he ate. How had he treated Kouki in a way that was unequal? They shared their clothes, took turns deciding and movies and activities, and even ate dinner with the other’s family on occasion. By his definition, they were equal to a fault. In between bites, he shared his thoughts with his friend. Once he had finished, Ryouta set down his sandwich and looked at him, brows pulled together. He did what he could to ignore the unnerving look that Ryouta gave him while gathering his thoughts.

“Akashicchi..what about his feelings?” Seijuurou bristled.

“What do you mean? Kouki and I cared for each other, what else is there?”

Ryouta frowned and poked him in the chest. He did what he could to not maim his pretty face for being so bold. “Did he ever tell you that he wasn’t happy? Did you make him feel like he wasn’t a priority?”

"He never brought anything, so I never suspected something was wrong." Ryouta frowned and pulled his phone out of a pocket. He tapped out what seemed to be a message to someone, and pushed his plate over in favor of placing his phone on the table. A moment later it lit up, and Ryouta rushed to swipe it back into his hands. His eyes dashed back and forth, skimming over the text, and huffed when he was done. 

“I’m sorry Akashicchi, but it turns out Kurokocchi was right. I think you should spend more time with friends and think about why Furihatacchi might feel that way. You can do it, you’re the smartest person I know!” He left his money on the table and stood up. “I have to go now, senpai is going to be over soon. Don’t forget to come to the next game in two weeks! Everyone missed you last month. Bye Akashicchi! Text me!!”

Being with Ryouta was always like being caught in a typhoon, but today was exceptionally strange. He was practically forced to an outing to “help” him, and had been abandoned after a vague suggestion and next to no advice at all. He left the restaurant feeling emptier than ever. 

The weeks between lunch and the next basketball game were spent in a blur of work and contemplation. His friends were of no help. Atsushi suggested he bake a cake for forgiveness, and the others only told him to think about their relationship and find what he had done wrong. The only one who had given any help at all was Shintarou, who had been pressured to talk by his boyfriend. He called the day before their scheduled meetup and simply said, “Think of instances where he may have asked for something and you dismissed it. That’s all I can say.” So Seijuurou thought about it well into the night and into the next day. He had not always been willing to share details of his past with Kouki, but that couldn’t be the extent of their problems. He then considered other things that he may have disregarded. He fell asleep cold and alone. 

-  
“Sei, why won't you open up to me?"

"Because my past has nothing to do with our relationship. There's no need."

 

"Come to bed, Sei. You've been working late all week. I miss you"

"I don't have time. Just go to bed and I'll join you later. "

 

"Do you want to go to the club with everyone tonight?"

"Don’t be ridiculous. We aren’t going somewhere like that to make fools of ourselves."

 

“I love you, Sei.”

“What was that, Kouki? I’m busy right now.”  
-

Seijuurou snapped up and threw off the blankets. He was in a cold sweat and his breathing couldn't seem to even out. Those were all things that he had done to Kouki. Now he understood. It wasn't that he had failed to love Kouki- it was that he had failed to pay attention and show it. He let Kouki feel alone, despite his every effort to make sure Seijuurou never felt the same say. He had not made him a priority, and worst of all, he had never openly told Kouki that he loved him. He had always been a private person, and it had become too easy to just assume that his feelings were known and that the balance in their relationship was fine as it was. Subtle complaints and concerns had been brushed aside, and now all of it came crashing down at once, suffocating him. It was a wonder that Kouki even stuck around as long as he did. 

He finally understood the problem, but how to fix it was another matter in itself. Seijuurou looked at the clock. It was 6am on the day of his former teammates’ next get together. There was no chance of falling back asleep after his revelation, so instead he took to pen and paper to list his shortcomings, as well as solutions to eliminate them. 

Hours later, he swallowed his pride and called Tetsuya. The phone picked up on the third ring, and after what sounded like complaining in the background, he prepared himself to be scolded.

"Akashi-kun, is there something you need to talk about that couldn't wait until our game this afternoon?"

Straightforward and to the point as always. "Tetsuya. How is Kouki, is he alright?"

He heard a sigh on the other side. "Furihata-kun is recovering and doing things again, even if it is just able cause we talked him into it. Have you thought about his words?"

"I have, and I had an epiphany this morning and have acknowledged my flaws. What is it I need to do in order to prove to Kouki that I can become a better partner?"

"You need to be ready to change, Akashi-kun. Don't expect everything to go back to the way it was. I'm sure that he will listen if you ask him to." 

"Yes, of course. Thank you. I will see you later, Tetsuya."

"Goodbye and good luck, Akashi-kun."

The phone clicked, and Seijuurou tapped it until he came across a name that made his eyes sting. Furihata Kouki. He took a deep breath and called the number. Straight to voicemail. He sent a text instead. This was his only hope. He couldn’t just waltz up to his old apartment- he wanted to fix things, not force himself onto Kouki. 

He wrote to Kouki with his best effort. Words came spilling out and into the text message. He wrote about he missed him, and how he had realized his mistakes. He wrote about how life could be different if they got back together. Most of all, he wrote about how he loved him and how much he mattered. He hasn't expected much of a response, but a buzz sent him scrambling to see if it was Kouki.

_He doesn't want to talk to you. Stop trying to reach him._

Who had the audacity to respond to him which such little respect? It infuriated him, but it was no good. It seemed like he would have to physically go to Kouki’s apartment after all.

After a quick lunch, Seijuurou decided to take a walk around the area where Ryouta planned their get togethers; he had arrived a little early today. That's when he saw him.

Kouki was sitting in a cafe across the street, but he was not alone. There was another man at the table, making him laugh. Seijuurou stood there, frozen as he watched their interactions. A hand reached out to grab Kouki's, and he felt his blood boil. He could no longer hear anything but his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He looked down and found that his hands had been locked into fists, his dull nails digging into his palms. Time stood still as he continued to watch from the other side of the street, but a buzz from his pocket reminded him that there was somewhere he needed to be. It didn’t matter. Kouki was talking to someone else with a smile on his face, and breathing became impossible. 

He wasn’t ready yet- he didn’t have his words prepared and he couldn’t risk messing it up, so he ran back the way he came. He ran until his strength left him, and curled into the nearest bench he could find. The ache in his heart had returned tenfold, and a fire within him threatened to burn him to the core. Is this what jealousy felt like? He had always brushed Kouki off when he admitted to insecurities and jealous feelings, but now that he experienced it first hand, he didn’t know how Kouki had managed to get by. Hot tears threatened to spill out as he thought about the other man he was with. Was he all of the things he had never been? Did he fill the gaps in Kouki’s heart that Seijuurou didn’t even take the time to notice? Was it already too late to fix things? No. He wouldn't accept that- not after everything it had taken to get here. He couldn't afford to make mistakes this time, or he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

He whipped out his phone and called Tetsuya once more. 

“Akashi-kun, you’re late. If you don’t come soon we’re going to start without you.”

“Kouki. Who is he seeing? Are there more?”

“Oh. Well he had a date this morning and one earlier in the week. How did you know?”

Seijuurou's knuckles turned white as he clenched his phone. “I saw them on my way. I have work to do, so I will be unable to join our outing this afternoon. Excuse me.” He hung up and made his way back to his apartment in determination. Clearly he needed to work harder if Kouki was already trying to move on. His heart was still hollow, and Kouki was the only one who could make him whole again. He was the only one who had ever managed to fill the spot that his mother’s death had left. People often questioned if Kouki was good enough for him during their outings, and he had told them that they were equal. Only now did he understand that he was the one not good enough. Kouki never needed him- he needed Kouki. 

He ran inside his apartment and grabbed the sheet of paper before racing back out. Kouki’s apartment could be reached in about twenty minutes, and that gave him plenty of time to figure out exactly what he wanted to say.

Seijuurou’s confidence faltered as he raised his fist to Kouki’s door. There was no going back at this point, and if he was sent away, all that was left was acceptance. He pulled himself together and knocked. A moment later the door cracked open, revealing a shocked brunet. “..Sei? I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. Please lea-” 

He put his hand out to open the door wide enough to see him. “Kouki, please. I need to speak with you. If you don’t want to have anything to do with me after this I will accept it, but please just give me this chance.” Kouki bit his lip and slowly nodded. He let him inside, fidgeting at the doorway. Once his shoes had been removed, the two of them shuffled into the living room. Kouki stood by the couch with his arms crossed and his body curled in.

“Ok...what is it you had to say?”

Seijuurou ran a hand through his hair and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. He tried to smooth it and hand it over to Kouki, who took it with a questioning glance. He watched as his eyes scanned the words on the paper, eyes growing wider and wider as he continued to read.

“This is a list I made once I had realized my mistakes. It contains things that I have found fault in myself, and the all of the ways that I have wronged you. Next to them are the changes I am making to ensure that they never happen again. Kouki I failed you as a partner. I failed to listen to you and to make sure you understood how important you were to me. I let you feel like you had not been cherished or loved, and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.

“I regret the things I have done to you, but I do not regret our relationship. You were the one constant in my life, the anchor who kept me grounded when I could not do so myself, and I took you for granted. I forgot how truly amazing you were because I became too comfortable with how things were. I forgot to keep listening to your every word and take them to heart. But I never forgot how much I loved you.” Seijuurou fought to keep his voice steady when he saw the quiver on Kouki’s lips and the tears slipping down his face.

“I do not expect you to take me back and resume life as we did before. To do that would be an insult to you and an insult to our relationship. I do not expect you to forgive me or to welcome me back with open arms. I have seen what being selfish did, and I never want that to happen again.”

He dared to take a step forward and take Kouki’s hand into his, but they were pulled away. Kouki stood upright and pushed him away. "Do you know what you did to me? How many nights I spent crying over you, wondering what I had done wrong to make you like this? I hate how weak I became. It was like I disappeared and just turned into your shadow. I lost myself." Kouki sobbed and moved away towards the window. In a whisper, he asked, "How am I supposed to believe that it will be different this time?"

Seijuurou's hands fell back to his side and he turned towards Kouki's back. He felt nauseous. He was the one who had done this to him. “Kouki I did not say it enough, but you mean more to me than anything. The past two months have been nothing but torture, but I did everything in my power to make sure that these are all lessons that I've learned and not habits. I want nothing more than to make you happy. I have loved you for a long time, and would like the chance to keep loving you. Is there any chance that we could start again?"

He held his breath and looked into Kouki's watering eyes. He had said everything he could; now all he could do is respect whatever decision Kouki came to, even if it involved another man instead of him. Kouki sniffled and slowly walked into Seijuurou, resting his head on his shoulder. 

"If we try again I won't be willing to put up with what I have in the past. I love you, but for years I had to wonder if you truly felt the same. If you ever do it to me again, I will leave you and there will be no more chances. I can’t afford to have my heart broken again. Do you understand?"

Seijuurou wrapped his arms around Kouki and held him close. His heart was racing. "I understand."

Kouki nodded his head into Seijuurou and then pulled away. "I'm free on Friday for dinner, if you are serious about starting over."

When he agreed, Kouki said that he needed to contact someone and tell them he was no longer free, and Seijuurou found another stab of jealousy. He took deep breaths and calmed himself down. Kouki was willing to give him another chance. Now was not the time to let his temper get the best of him. After all, he was calling to cancel, not to make new plans. If he had been forgiven for all of his past transgressions, then it should only be fair that he let this go. He watched as Kouki closed his phone and walked back towards him. 

“I’m sorry about your text message by the way. Kagami-kun got overprotective, and he deleted your message before I could see it. Kuroko-kun punished him though so it’s ok.”

Seijuurou resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Of course it was Kagami. He reached to take Kouki’s hand again, and was met with no resistance this time. “I understand. From now on, please speak up if there is anything that bothers you. It will not go unheard.”

“Ok,” Kouki wore a small smile, sending butterflies to his stomach, “I’ll see you on Friday?”

He nodded and smiled. “Yes. Friday.” 

He and Kouki walked towards the door, hands reluctantly releasing each other once Seijuurou had crossed the threshold. They bid each other a farewell and as he made his way back towards the street, he sent a quick message on his phone. 

_I love you Kouki. Thank you._

He was never going to lose Kouki again. Not for a day, not for two months, not for a lifetime. He’d make sure of it.


End file.
